Shit Happens

Close-to-complete Ideology & Religion Shit List


Shit Happens, According To A:

Taoist: Shit happens.

Confucian: Confucius say, "Shit happens."

Buddhist: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen Buddhist: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hindu: This shit has happened before.

Mormon: This shit is going to happen again.

Muslim: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Catholic: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Jesuit: If shit happens and nobody is watching, is it really shit?

Jewish: Why does shit always happen to us?

Protestant: Let shit happen to someone else.

Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.

Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

Unitarian: We affirm the right for shit to happen.

Baptist: Once you're saved, shit doesn't happen unless you backslide.

Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.

Anglican: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.

Calvinist: By preordination this shit hath come to pass.

Seventh Day Adventist: No shit shall happen on Saturday.

Sufi: The wise man never notices shit happening.

Creation Science: Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

Puritanism: S** can happen all day as long as you don't call it that.

Asceticism: If shit happens, renounce it.

Gnosticism: I know why shit happens but I won't tell you.

Reform Jewish: Got any Kaopectate?

Orthodox Judaism: So shit happens, already!

Shintoism: Shit happens everywhere. As long as you're stepping in it, show it some respect.

Vodoun: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody worked it on you.

Secular Humanist: Shit happens because it evolved from proto-shit.

Goddess Movement: Shit happens and men cause it.

Mysticist: Weird shit happens.

New Age: Visualize shit happening.

Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.

Occultism: Shit materializes from other planes of existence.

Christian Science: Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.

Scientology: See Dianetics, "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

Jehovah's Witness: No shit happens until Armaggedon.

Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.

EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen.

Zoroastrian: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

Mithraism: Bull shit happens.

Church of the SubGenius: Shit happens. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.

Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.

Satanist: Shit doesn't just happen... it's created by an asshole.

Atheist: Shit just happens and that's all there is to it.

Socialist: The same shit happens to everyone.

Political Correctness: Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens.

Impressionist: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.

Surrealist: Purple shit happens near melting clocks.

Cubism: If shit happens, you won't recognize it.

Dadaism: Shit bzzt gim blim ba dum boop!

Existentialist: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.

Stoic: So shit happens; I can take it.

Hedonist: If shit happens, enjoy it.

Vegetarian: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

Purist: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

Aztec: Cut out this shit!

Hopi: Corn fertilizer happens.

Dyslexia: Tihs happens.

Diplomacy: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen.

Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Scientificism: We seem to think Shit Happens, but it's just a theory.

Scientific Reductionism: If shit happens, find out what kind exactly.

Scientific Obscurantism: Amorphous excrement does occur in given cases.

Classical Physics: Shit does not 'happen', it just moves around.

Holistic Physics: If shit happens, it happens everywhere at once.

Microcomputing: If shit happens, we'll fix it in the next version.

Engineering: When shit happens, paint over.

Heisenbergism: Shit happens, we just don't know where or how much.

Quantum Physics: Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

Cartesianism: Shit happens to me, therefore I exist.

Platonism: There is ideal shit happening somewhere.

Pollyanism: It's so nice that shit happens!

Psychoanalysis: Shit happens because of your toilet training.

Behaviorism: You are conditioned to having shit happen.

Freudianism: If shit happens, it's your mother's fault.

Parapsychology: Shit happens without material causes.

Tabloid Sensationalism: Green shit from Mars happens to Elvis clone!

Phone Company: 911. Because Shit happens.

Murphyism: Shit will happen, at the worst possible time, and in the worst possible way.

Environmentalism: Good shit only happens once; bad shit is recycled.

Victorianism: Excrement occurs, but we do not partake in its discussion in civilized society.


Steel Magnolianism: Honey chile, the Shit that Happens makes us stronger.

Speaking of shit...